White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
