She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
