I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
