Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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