4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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