Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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