Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
