I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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