sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
we should paint friendship bongs
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