so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Randomize
