I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
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how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
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Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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