my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
