The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i permit you to call me
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Did I show you my penis last night?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
