There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
