yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
