fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
