I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
