Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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