Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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