Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
