Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
