Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
