Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
