so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
