Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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