I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
