Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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