i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
