so that wasnt chicken after all
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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