i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
