i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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