I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
