I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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