I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You ruined the universe
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
