Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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