Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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