just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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