I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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