I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
