I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
