I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
People in love make me want to vomit
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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