Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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