she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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