Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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