I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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