It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
