1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
