They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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