I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
