Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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