What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
