Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
