i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
