Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
